have you ever known you were supposed to do something but didn't do it? geeesh, we all have! but what if you are sure it was God telling you to do it? have you ever not listened to Him? it happened to me just the other day.
let me give you some back ground info on the life and times of me...
i am the girl who had her ministry and had it figured out good, real good. i have often said that while i love nursing i work so that i can be a volunteer youth leader full time (you know, i gotta be able to afford new shoes *wink*). anyway, i'm not bragging but i had this youth leader gig down pat. after all we're talking more than 12 years of living and breathing teenagers! along that time i have worked in other ministry areas but everyone knew all of those would come in second, third, fourth... to youth stuff. all this youth ministry stuff came to a crashing halt several months ago and i was at first terrified and then excited. i began to wonder where God was leading me, what my purpose was, how to walk into uncharted territory... the first and scarriest step for me was accepting that there was most clearly that God was moving me out of youth ministry on to something else. i mean come on, i have for the past 21 years been going to at least one youth service/event a week. 21 years!! that's crazy! and now all of a sudden wednesday nights are free, empty and not filled with all the sights and sounds of youth ministry. and i didn't miss it. that scared the living day lights out of me! so over the course of the next several months i have purposed to "figure out" what God has for me.
i used those little quotation marks there on purpose becasue while i did seek God's will there was a LOT of anje's will thrown in to the mix as well. i pushed in certain areas, i pulled back when i got scared of the unknown. God has given me a burden for young women in the area of purity and doors have swung wide open. *insert commercial for this blogging ministry* http://awaitingmaiden.blogspot.com/. this has opened so many oppurtunities and has challenged me as well. other areas have been overwhelmingly hard. i am feeling God's leading towards a particular area of ministry that i feel passionate for but very unprepared for. i am activly seeking out wise council and taking giant leaps of faith (at least giant for me). i will share more on this as time goes by but i ask, beg, plead for your prayers!
all this to get to the not doing what God told me to do, i promise, i'm getting there!
i have shared my heart very openly with the women i call my aaron and hur (Exodus 17:12). if you don't have an aaron and hur i challenge you to find someone who can fill this role in your life. this example is one i have come to see as true friendship. the best part of this time has been these ladies don't always agree with me, each other and have been really honest about their personal feelings as well as seeking out how God is leading. we girls are emotional and passionate beings by nature and that can at times lead us astray. i have loved their honest and "real" wisdom.
and finally...
as i have already said, i have been very comfortable with how i have been used but on that sunday morning i knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that i was supposed to do something. i don't think i can explain the how i knew (i've been trying to ever since this happened) but one thing is certain, i knew it. i was scared to death and i challenged God to give me a sign...He didn't do it! and in the end, i didn't do what i was supposed to do. i have wrestled with guilt and let down but i really don't think that God was ever mad at me. i believe that He was, in this, teaching me to depend more and more on His leading. to trust Him to guide me. i wondered why He would push me into something so very different than what i know and again it's the need to trust Him.
this has opened a flood gate of oppurtunities for me. what i was supposed to do involved speaking and while i didn't speak that day i am learning that God has given me the gift of words. for a long time one of my most favorite things to do is to pour scripture and encouragement into the lives of people. i have found that facebook and blogging are great avenues to do this but all this time i haven't been doing this because it's a gift from God but because it's something i found that i was good at. it's amazing how turning this around and allowing it to be a ministry has given me so many chances to share. and also once again, God amazed me by allowing something that i feel like i'm good at be the way He wants to use me.
i know now that next time God speaks so clearly to me that i will listen and respond.
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